I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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