I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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