Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize