and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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