I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
