I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
