I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
