I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
