I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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