I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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