This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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