I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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