I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
