is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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