and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
