Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
