now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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