I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You made out with two different species that night
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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