Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
