He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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