if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
