Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
