Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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