Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
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He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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