I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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