So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
