So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
