I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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