I'm really into asian looking animals
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
