I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
