I think i peed on brittanys purse
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
