i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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