If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
