The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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