He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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