Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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