Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
