I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
