By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
