my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...