Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
