How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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