my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
