matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
