Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
