my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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