She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
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i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
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She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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