you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
