Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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