My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
