just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
