Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
