Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
