I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
