First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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