She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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