Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
How external is "for external use only"?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
