I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
